It was 25 March 2022 and my sister told me she thought I had adhd. And I said: I have not got adhd.
Then there was lots of me wandering around in me and wandering around the internet until I finally agreed she might be right. That was in June.
I learned what ‘executive functioning’ means in September. Got referral for diagnostic assessment December.
So we’re now about a year later and the local specialist adhd/asd service has a 3 year waiting list which makes me determined to drive carefully for the next couple of years. I want my assessment!
“I have not got adhd”
Because only naughty boys have adhd.
Took me about 5 minutes research to change my mind about that one.
“I have not got adhd #1”
Says the me who just doesn’t wanna. Yes, I’m a bit scattery, have a few too many thoughts, lazy even when I work hard. But that’s just me, not adhd.
No matter how much I read other people’s stories and expert opinions, there’s a bit of me that wants to go on believing that if only, if only I set my mind to THE THING, I could do it with ease, list-free and peaceful in the head.
I do like Mr Spock and science. So I know how wrong I am.
But I’m so used to all that self-blame and pushing through, it’s hard to dump years of belief you know?
I’d Like to Fly, But…
Astrophysicists are just as bad at trying to get their heads around how big the universe is as the rest of us, all brains have limits. I can’t fly by flapping my arms or breathe water, and that never bothered me much. So why so flamin’ fussed about a brain with wonky dopamine? I mean, surely that’s better than being a lazy ass?
Especially as working with an adhd brain rather than against it has done me so many favours over the past year.
Favours?
I’ve masked and accommodated my funny old head for as long as I can remember.
So many self-improvement gurus, a keypad on the door following so many self-lock-outs, pegboard on the walls so I can hang the stuff I need in plain sight, vital items at work coloured bright pink or yellow so I can see where I left them. There’s a gazillion of such in my world.
But now I’m not fighting it, I’m accepting it (mostly). And benefiting from the acceptance (mostly).
The Search for Spock (The Search for Clarity)
I feel like my whole life has been a search to get things clear, so they don’t confuse me, so I can just DO without making a huge bleedin’ fuss about nuttin’. And I admire tidy and smooth and sorted, I do.
I hate piles of crap in corners, counting my steps from one room to another so I don’t stop and stare at a wall because I’m not quite sure where I want to end up, holes in the plaster that I notice every month or so then forget about.
*
Hm, feeling a need for some kind of conclusion to this splurge right now.
I feel like my adhd acceptance is a multi-edged sword. It’s helped a lot, I am much more welcoming of keypads on the front door and very clear next action steps and externalising sequences and counting footsteps. But at the same time, what’s left of me?
My quirks used to be just me. Just the way I am. And I had a choice to dump them any time.
Which is foolishness, if I’d really wanted rid of them, I wouldn’t found some way to do so long ago.
Next step for Jen then is to enjoy her state of being, to really genuinely accept it and if the pinkyellow things can raise a smile, even better. And if it raises a smile from you or a “me too”, even better. And I’m guessing it will because, to anyone who’s read this far, I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who thinks a lot of what I think and does a lot of what I do.*
*
*If the internet has taught me anything, it’s: You’re never the only one.
Words About ADHD 